I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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