Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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