im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
