I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize