I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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