So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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