He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
