shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
