i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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