My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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