I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
