i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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