Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
