just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
