just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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