when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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