woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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