forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
