Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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