I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
