My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
