so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
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i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
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I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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