went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I have aggressive nipples.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
