Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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