Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
