I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
