Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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