Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
This baby is an asshole
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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