when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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