Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
