There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We're too hungover to prance.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
