I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
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I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
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Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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