First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
