Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
