You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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