Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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