allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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