She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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