I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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