When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
