i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
