guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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