We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Let's get the cat blown out
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
