I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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