I'm gonna have a badass scar
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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