I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
