I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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