You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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