I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
