dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
