I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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