if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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