i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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