How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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