1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
