my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
