Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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