I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
